


A Shining, Blistering, Hope I Can Never Have

by AestheticalRaindrops



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Despair Era (Dangan Ronpa), Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AestheticalRaindrops/pseuds/AestheticalRaindrops
Summary: but in the end, he didn't really matter, did he?
Relationships: Kamukura Izuru/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	A Shining, Blistering, Hope I Can Never Have

**Author's Note:**

> brrrrr i'm depressed and a kinnie and wanted to write a ventfic and thus this shit was born

but in the end, he didn't really matter, did he? 

In the end, he was just as useless and disgusting and worthless, maybe even more so. A pawn in _her_ disgusting game. Another soul claimed by despair. Another body that piled the streets of broken cities.

And in the end, when the world was crashing down around them, and when he had no where else to go, he still clung to the sleeve of the man who didn't even pay him piece of mind. The man he wasn't allowed to _actually_ touch. The man that he served with more than his life. The man he would be forced to forget

It was true Komaeda Nagito, or just servant as he preferred to go by, would give anything to that shining, glorious embodiment of hope. It was true that that same shining, glorious embodiment of hope barely even wanted the poor servant there. 

And yet Kamukura Izuru never told him to leave. Never let the servant fall asleep only to disappear in the night. Through his breakdowns and laughing fits and itching _disgusting_ despair, Kamukura stayed. And that's why Komaeda owed him _everything._ That's why even in the darkest of moments, the servant would close his eyes and imagine the presence of his Master near him and would feel the embers of his lost hope glow. That's why he wore that collar so proudly, because he _belonged_ to Kamukura in mind body and soul, and he would not want it any other way. 

But once again, even with all that devotion, it didn't really matter at all, did it?

Komaeda could've, _would've,_ given the Ultimate Talent anything he desired, and it would never be enough.

People like Kamukura Izuru were not easily satisfied like people like Komaeda Nagito, but the loyal servant would sometimes selfishly wish that wasn't true. Then, maybe Kamukura would look at him the same way Komaeda looked back. Maybe then, Kamukura would allow Komaeda to touch more than the cold fabric of his black, well pressed suit. Maybe then Komaeda could be held in the arms of someone so strong and feel so safe and maybe _then_ attention would not be shown in the barest of minimums, but in the excessive disgusting way he craved it.

Of course that didn't happen, and Kamukura was never truly pleased, and Komaeda still tried even when he knew he shouldn't.

The poor servant knew he was useless, but when _she_ died and he took her left hand, he became even more so.

now he couldn't button Kamukura's suit, or barely dress himself, and couldn't clean the tarnished rooms they slept in as they walked through city after city searching. Searching for what? The Ultimate Hope would never tell, so the Ultimate Luck never asked. The servant didn't really need to know anyway, as it didn't really matter. No matter what it was he knew he would follow Kamukura through it anyway. 

He couldn't do simple tasks, couldn't please. By all means he was now only a burden, no longer a burden with benefits and really, honestly, Kamukura should've thrown him out then and there. Truly he was even more worthless and hopeless than before, and yet Kamukura didn't leave. He didn't make the servant forget him or abandon the sick boy in the middle of a broken unfamiliar city. The Ultimate Talent never asked more of the servant than he could give, never pushed his limits, never lost his patience, and Komaeda wished for nothing more than for Kamukura to just do so already. 

If only his master yelled at him, struck him, tried to kill him. Maybe then Komaeda would feel as though he'd been treated like he deserved. Maybe then the servant could find it in himself to just _leave_ , But that didn't happen. No, it never would, and when Kamukura held his face and told him to breath after a particularly bad nightmare while wiping his putrid tears, Komaeda began to wonder if this was just another level of _her_ plan to bring as much despair to those around her as possible. Another step towards crushing Hope as they knew it.

_Of course_ Kamukura would hold him like a lover while his eyes were dead. Of course his arms would never move when the servant went for a desperate hug. Why would someone like Komaeda ever be granted something as hopeful as equally returned love? He had done nothing to deserve it. Had done nothing but be disgusting and pitiful and worthless and sad. It was sickening how even in death _She_ plagued his life, plagued his thoughts, plagued his hope. Even when she was rotting somewhere in the earth, her influence strangled him, slipped down his throat and through his body like freezing inky sludge.

If only he could make himself believe that Kamura didn't love him back, and that it was only apart of her plan.

If only he could make himself understand that asking for such a thing was so detestably _selfish_. Make himself understand that this stupid, unrestrained hope that someone as _grand_ as his master could even begin to care for someone as lowly as him.

If only he could make himself _listen_ and _leave_ and do _something for himself._

but he couldn't. Not when Kamukura looked like that and did those amazing wonderfully hopeful acts and acted like a strong rock in the middle of the typhoon known only as Servant.

He couldn't leave, and when his master pushed them both onto the boat after being so long separated from each other, the Servant had a feeling that this would be the last time he looked at his Ultimate Hope. The last chance to know if it really was all in his head after all. 

"did you ever love me? Even the smallest bit?" he asked, his voice sounding smaller than how he felt, huddled in the corner of the metal room trying to keep himself warm.

"No." His master responded, and that was all Komaeda needed to know. Despair crept into his heart knowing that he had spent so much time for a man who was incapable of sharing the burning desire in his chest. A single tear rolled down his face as his hope died. He didn't bother to wipe it off

but in the end, he didn't matter anyway, did he? 


End file.
